Dirty Library Read online

  Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Thrown Game

  He may not be old enough to grow a beard, but this boy-genius knows point shaving when he sees it.

  The Hunger Gamers

  Their parents won’t give them allowances, but that doesn’t stop the Hunger Gamers club from betting their lunch money on crap games. The stakes have never been hungrier!

  Huckleberry Gin

  Tom Sawyer told him he needed to go to rehab. Becky Thatcher said the hooch was ruining his complexion. And Aunt Polly and the widow Douglas banned him from their homes. Well, Huck told them all where they could go, because he was headed down the Mississippi—just him, a song or two, and a whole bunch of booze.

  Word on the Street:

  “It’s not the slavery, intolerance, or racial slurs that bother me—I just can’t tolerate drinking.”

  —Helen, 94, Women’s Christian Temperance Book Club

  “Like, I just really liked the like symboletry of everything the book means and like America and like independence.”

  —Veronica, high school junior, who didn’t read the book

  Harriet’s Pink Eye

  Fourth-grader Harriet has always wanted to be a private eye, but her snooping is just fun and games until she uncovers a career-making clue. There’s a big-pharma conspiracy to infect all of New York City with Bacterium Conjunctivitis—more commonly known as “pink eye.” It’s up to puffy-eyed Harriet to unmask this evil plot and save the Big Apple from a hideously crusty fate.

  Review:

  “. . . yet to achieve widespread popularity, but now, in its third edition, it has proved a sleeper hit with optometry schools.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  Strippy Long Stockings

  Men from all around the world come to the red-light district to see this redhead dance. But don’t let the girlie pigtails fool you, fellas: Miss Strippy is all woman. And the only thing this lady loves more than putting on her famous gartered silk stockings is taking them off.

  Testimonial:

  “A landmark book for redheads! We are rapidly making up ground on blondes and brunettes in the imaginary girlfriend department.”

  —The Red-Headed League for the Promotion of Gingers

  The Very Horny Caterpillar

  Fresh out of the egg and ready to get humpin’ on life’s adventures, this is one frisky little caterpillar. He’s humping everything in sight, but when he tries to hump a hungry sparrow, the very horny caterpillar learns that, yes, you can have too much mojo.

  Review:

  “Caterpillars are the larval form of the butterfly and are thus not sexually mature and cannot be sexually aroused: D–”

  —Children’s Science Book Ratings Authority

  The Goose Who Laid the Golden Keg

  A fraternity buys a goose to be its house mascot, and the frat brothers are delighted to discover that it produces the most wonderful beer, one red Solo cup after another. The fraternity brothers assume the bird must be filled with beer, and, in an effort to get drunk faster, they unwisely cut open the bird, mortally wounding the goose who laid the golden keg.

  About the Author:

  A. Soph is the pen name of a brother in the Tappa Kegga house. He is also the author of Keg Stand: My Upside-Down Drunk College Life, which can be found in the philosophy section of your local bookstore. He enjoys beer pong, tailgating, and debates over which is better: Keystone or Milwaukee’s Best.

  Johnny Appleweed

  The classic tale of that all-American pothead Johnny Appleweed, who walked barefoot across the American West sowing his dank marijuana seeds and pioneering pot legalization wherever he went.

  Testimonial:

  “Johnny was truly one of America’s forgotten founding fathers—the cornerstoner on which this great country was founded.”

  —Abraham Lincoln, private correspondence, 1863

  If you enjoyed Johnny Appleweed, you might also like:

  Mary Jane Eyre

  A narcotic biography about Mary Jane Eyre, from stoner adolescent to small-time dealer.

  Blunt Force

  It’s dealers versus cops, vying for control of the streets in this thrilling board game of chance, skill, and dope!* This hand-painted and carefully crafted game board features 420 spectacular colors that will mesmerize you as the game blazes forward and the stakes get higher!

  *Ages 18 and up (Mary Jane not included)

  Handjob and Gretel

  HJ and Gretel get lost on the back roads after a little “road hand.” They can’t find anywhere to stay except the mysterious Gingerbread-and-Breakfast.

  Leather Island

  Young Jim Cockins finds an old treasure map in his mother’s brothel, and sets off in search of booty with a hired crew on board the HS&M Domination. But once out on the ocean, the ship is hijacked by the ruthless Long Schlong Silver and his pirate seamen. They place Jim and the crew in fuzzy handcuffs and set the ship on a course bound for the infamous Leather Island.

  Knot-Tying Guide:

  Before handcuffs were invented, you had to be pretty good with the ropes if you wanted to have a little submission-and-domination fun. So here’s our tip sheet for getting knotty with some old-school S&M.

  The granny knot: For those who like their ladies well beyond cougar, we recommend this classic bond.

  The double fisherman’s knot: First developed by amorous anglers, this tie-up is perfect for those sexy times when you’re looking to get entangled with two others! A great beginner’s orgy knot.

  The constrictor knot: If you’re into erotic asphyxiation, then you’ll be out of breath for this twine tie!

  The coital coil: For when you want a little kink in your rope.

  Jack Off the Beanstalk

  Jack, a dim-witted farm boy, trades the family cow to a traveling salesman from the city for a handful of magic pills that promise to make his stalk grow. Foolish Jack takes them all at once and when he starts beatin’ the ol’ beanstalk, things—well, one thing in particular—start to get out of hand.

  Review:

  “. . . a terrifyingly accurate depiction of a Viagra overdose and the horror of the six-hour erection.”

  —AARP newsletter

  Old Mother Huffer

  Everyone’s favorite grandma is back and badder than ever! She’s cashed her Social Security checks and she’s off to the hardware store to get herself some “party supplies”!

  Excerpt:

  Old Mother Huffer

  Was starting to suffer

  ’Cause she hadn’t had her paint,

  But she huffed some glue

  (More than she’s used to)

  And started to feel quite faint.

  Testimonial:

  “I didn’t read it, but I can tell you that the glue in the book binding will get you high as shit.”

  —Jeff, HuffPo correspondent

  Clifford the Big Rabid Dog

  Big ol’ Cliff is at it again and he’s got the whole town in a tizzy! An encounter with a sick raccoon leaves Clifford feeling a little weird, and when he wakes up the next day he’s downright crazy! Follow the giant pawprints and the pools of dog slobber and watch as Clifford plays chase with the people of the town, turning them into human dog chow!

  Who needs a vet? Check for these signs to see if your dog might have rabies:

  •Inability to bark

  •Lack of appetite, only has thirst for blood

  •Disinclined to engage owner in intellectual conversation

  •Depression

  •Confusion

  •Prefers scratching you, rather than being scratched

  •Excessive salivation, to the point of being inappropriate

  •Insomnia

  •Spends all day and night playing dead

  One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Blue Fish

  That much-loved, freewheeling tale about death and dying is back in this new twenty-fifth anniversary edition!

  If you enjoyed One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish,
Blue Fish, you might also like:

  Necro Phil

  Till death do they part. And maybe not even then. . . . Phil’s love for his wife goes beyond the call of duty . . . and beyond the grave.

  Chicken Soup for the Soulless

  From heartless strangers to passionate stranglers, these new tales are sure to chill even the warmest, most bubbly person!

  Dead Man’s Float

  Harold, the grown-up son of the local undertaker, runs the most popular ice cream parlor in the county. His splendid sundaes have everyone dying to know how he makes them. But it turns out that the only ones who know his recipe . . . are in it. . . .

  The Indian Comes Out of the Closet

  A curious little boy is disappointed when all he inherits from his grandpa is an old wardrobe. But he soon finds that it holds a secret power—it makes whatever you take out of it just a little more faaab-u-lusss!

  Reviews:

  “A new take on the well-known coming-of-age, time-travel, magic-figurine story.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “A gorgeous allegory of how the Indian from the Village People got his start, we think . . .”

  —Los Angeles Times

  Five Little Junkies Jumping on the Bed

  This wild quintet used to jump to get high, but pretty soon that wasn’t enough. They go from being adrenaline junkies to actual junkies, caught in the up-and-down life of addiction.

  Excerpt:

  Five little junkies jumping on the bed,

  One OD’ed, fell down, and bled,

  Mama called the doctor

  And the doctor said,

  “No more heroin or they’ll all be dead!”

  Testimonial:

  “A much more long-winded PSA than the classic, Drugs Kill.”

  —Meth Max, local pusher

  Where the Girls Gone Wild Things Are

  Set sail to an island full of your most feral fantasies, where getting wild has never been more fun, exotic, or topless. Call now! Only $19.95! Must be eighteen or older to order.

  From the Official Website:

  Word on the Street:

  “Loved the book’s positive, playful portrayal of condom use.”

  —Planned Parenthood

  The Pervy Little Puppy

  John and Lisa think it’s cute that little Fido has learned how to use their desktop computer, but one day when they find something sticky on the keyboard, they realize that their adolescent dog has been enjoying a different kind of dog treat on the Web.

  Most popular Google searches among pups:

  •Milkboners

  •Doggy style

  •Best of Rear Sniffing video

  •Wet poodle webcams

  Reviews:

  “Contains important lessons for children, like how to clear their browsing history and cache.”

  —NPR’s All Things Considered

  “Pornography offers young dogs an exciting alternative to the typical chair/leg humping.”

  —Dog Fancy

  Are You My Baby Daddy?

  A lively educational romp that teaches the importance of paternity tests for parents of all ages through the story of the desperate Mama Bird looking for that rascally absent Papa Bird. Recommended for ages puberty through menopause.

  Review:

  “A Grade-A Whoddunit.”

  —Chicago Tribune

  The Ugly Duckface

  A teenage girl’s desire to fit in goes well beyond overusing the latest lip gloss from Kmart. To truly fit in, she must not just do the duckface, she must be the duckface.

  About the Author:

  Born and raised in Beverly Hills, Mrs. Barbara Kenn is a recovering plastic surgery addict, a struggle she chronicles in her stunning autobiography Thinking Outside the Botox. She now operates the charitable foundation Knives Take Lives, which warns schoolchildren about the dangers of excessive plastic surgery.

  Little Boy Blue Balls

  A young shepherd boy’s dreams are perpetually haunted by a voluptuous city woman. It wouldn’t be so bad if, just once, Little Boy Blue could manage to blow his horn.

  Excerpt:

  Little Boy Blue,

  Come blow your horn,

  There’s girls in the meadow,

  And girls in porn.

  There’s girls on the TV,

  And girls on the Web,

  We’re terribly sorry

  They’re not in your bed.

  Review:

  “Tantalizing, but ultimately unsatisfying. . . .”

  —Boston Globe

  If You Give a Mouse a Roofie

  If a hungry little traveler shows up at your bar, he might order a margarita. If he orders a margarita, that creepy stranger in the corner might send him a drink. . . .

  Reviews:

  “If you are looking for action-packed, this is not the book for you. Not much happens after page 2. Love scenes are tastefully executed.”

  —Philadelphia Inquirer

  “I put down the book not feeling very satisfied, but not really remembering why.”

  —New York Review of Books

  About the Author:

  Mr. Sneaky Pete McGillicutty is the author of six books and the center of controversy concerning the film adaptation of his latest novel, Morning After. Movie studio executives claim they have “no recollection of ever signing a film contract with Mr. McGillicutty.”

  Alexander and the Total Fucking Bullshit Hungover Day

  Alexander’s wild night with Everclear, Four Loko, and other suspect liquors is sure to give you flashbacks to the migraines, puking, and regret of your first hangover, and have you hugging your toilet all over again!

  Review:

  “Word to the wise: Don’t get the pop-up edition.”

  —Oprah’s Book Club

  Often purchased with:

  Advil; Gatorade; Have We Met Before? My Blacked-Out Life

  Alexander’s Bar Tab:

  Little Whorehouse on the Prairie

  The Ingalls girls are lonely pioneer daughters, desperate to find love and earn a little money the old-fashioned way. So when a new frontier army outpost brings unexpected business to the Ingalls household, the good times roll and bring acres of laughs!

  Reviews:

  “And you thought modern bras were hard to get off.”

  —Washington Post

  “Pioneer life sure sounded hard.”

  —Ms. Ratherbottom, first-grade teacher

  “Oh, how I long for a Prairie Home Companion.”

  —Walter, Pioneertown reenactor

  “It’s fun to imagine Michael Landon doing the love scenes.”

  —Jeanette, Frontier Book Club president

  Good Lord, Moon!

  The midnight sky was covered in clouds, but one special little boy will still look out the window and see a full moon. (And he’ll spend the rest of the night buried under his covers, completely terrified.)

  Excerpt:

  Goodnight, brother

  Goodnight, mother

  Goodnight, bunny

  Goodnight, money

  Goodnight, spoon

  And good night, moo—AHH! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT AT THE WINDOW!?

  Testimonials:

  “A classic bedtime story to keep any munchkin in bed and away from the windows.”

  —Chelsea, the worst babysitter ever

  “No need for monsters under the bed when you have a book this terrifying to kids. . . .”

  —Maria, mother of six

  The Giving and Receiving Tree

  Since they were little, the boy and the girl have always met and played at the big apple tree on the corner. But as they grow and mature, the old tree becomes a place for a different kind of play. (And the tree gets in on the action, too.)

  Readers’ Poll: The Top Five Sexiest Trees

  5.The Date Palm

  Popular among arborists for one-night stands

  4.The Banana Tree

  Enough said

>   3.The Fir

  The female fir tree sports some pretty ridiculous cones

  2.The California Redwood

  No wood has a bigger trunk

  1.The Coconut Palm

  Who doesn’t want to handle those giant coconuts full of milk?

  Bi-Curious George

  George has always been a curious little monkey. But lately the cute chimp has been raising more than a few eyebrows (and other body parts) since he began experimenting with a whole different type of banana.

  Curious Ape Facts:

  •Humans and bonobo chimpanzees are the only land mammals that make love face-to-face.

  •Both male and female chimpanzees typically mate promiscuously and all year long.

  •Forty-seven percent of all chimpanzees admit to having paid for sex in the last five years.

  Sweet Valley Gets High

  After 152 books’ worth of adventures, identical twins Jess and Liz tire of all the teen-y drama and just want to mellow the fuck out. They move into their parents’ basement, bringing with them a newfound passion for snacks ’n’ blunts, and adding a new chapter to their never-ending chronic(le).

  Review:

  “Full of offensive stereotypes about cannabis users. Puff, puff, pass on this book.”

  —High Times magazine

  Thomas the Spank Engine