Dirty Library Read online

  Dirty Library

  © 2014 by Mary Dauterman and Peter Antosh

  Illustrations © 2014 by Mary Dauterman

  Published by Running Press,

  A Member of the Perseus Books Group

  All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International

  Copyright Conventions

  This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

  Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2013958110

  E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5534-8

  987654321

  Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

  Cover and interior design by Jason Kayser

  Edited by Jordana Tusman

  Typography: Adobe Caslon

  Running Press Book Publishers

  2300 Chestnut Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

  Visit us on the web!

  www.runningpress.com

  Contents

  Dear Gentle Reader

  The Bipolar Express

  Goldilocks and the Three Bears

  Where’s Dildo?

  The Lyin’ Bitch and the Wardrobe

  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties

  The Magic School Slut

  Three Billy Goats’ Snuff

  Green Eggs and Hammered

  Puss in Booze

  The Wizard of Bras

  Mary Pill Poppins

  Little Bo Creep

  The Little Engine That Came

  Beauty and the Cease and Desist

  Alice in Wonderbra

  The Pied Piper

  The Jungle Bookie

  Huckleberry Gin

  Harriet’s Pink Eye

  Strippy Long Stockings

  The Very Horny Caterpillar

  The Goose Who Laid the Golden Keg

  Johnny Appleweed

  Handjob and Gretel

  Leather Island

  Jack Off the Beanstalk

  Old Mother Huffer

  Clifford the Big Rabid Dog

  One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Blue Fish

  The Indian Comes Out of the Closet

  Five Little Junkies Jumping on the Bed

  Where the Girls Gone Wild Things Are

  The Pervy Little Puppy

  Are You My Baby Daddy?

  The Ugly Duckface

  Little Boy Blue Balls

  If You Give a Mouse a Roofie

  Alexander and the Total Fucking Bullshit Hungover Day

  Little Whorehouse on the Prairie

  Good Lord, Moon!

  The Giving and Receiving Tree

  Bi-Curious George

  Sweet Valley Gets High

  Thomas the Spank Engine

  Harold and the Purple Tampon

  Acknowledgments

  Dear Gentle Reader,

  It feels like just yesterday that the authors of the very book you’re reading were playing tag at recess, and at their desks drawing precious little pictures in crayon. They were such smart, well-behaved little first-graders and I was so proud to be their teacher!

  Then I heard that they’d made a wildly popular, critically acclaimed blog (dirtylibrary.tumblr.com), taking classic children’s books and turning them into dirty, twisted parodies, complete with new story-lines, original artwork, warped interviews with their fictional authors, and more.

  Normally, I would be terribly proud that students of mine had published a book. But I’m afraid that when people start asking, “Where did all the naughty ideas in this book come from?” they’ll accuse me just because I happened to be their teacher, and just because I happen to be spending a few years in the penitentiary.

  I’ve always held myself to the highest standards as an educator and it would be ridiculous to think that anything I did in the classroom had any influence on this naughty book that they’ve written.

  Surely the adult magazines I kept in my desk had nothing to do with it. (They weren’t supposed to see those!)

  Or the times I got a teensy bit angry and threw my stapler, or when the police handcuffed me and took me away in the middle of class. Those were isolated incidents and I’m sure that I only had a positive impact on the growth of the children in my classroom.

  So in the end, I can only blame their parents.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Finklestein,

  Former first-grade teacher

  Inmate #18475834

  The Bipolar Express

  Christmas is right around the bend, and the stress of toy-making has put Kris Kringle on the crazy train. . . .

  Excerpt:

  ’Twas the night before Christmas and all ’round the pole

  Not a worker was sleeping, not one goddamn soul.

  All the elves in the workshop were in quite a pickle,

  All due to that “Saint,” that boss who’s so fickle.

  And where was that chief, once nice, now a dick,

  Where could he be, that unstable St. Nick?

  He was not in his workshop, not down in his lair,

  But instead at the shrink, in the psychiatrist’s chair!

  To tell you the truth, Santa felt pretty low,

  He wanted to resign as Pole CEO.

  He’d yelled at the Missus and lashed out at the elves,

  He screamed, he shouted, he hurled toys from the shelves.

  He cursed so loud that the words from his mouth

  Carried as far as that Pole in the South.

  His voice shook every stocking, every last jingle bell,

  “I fucking hate Christmas! All you kids go to hell!”

  And now lay Santa, on the couch of some quack,

  Needling and wheedling for some Prozac. . . .

  Goldilocks and the Three Bears

  Goldilocks is wandering through the woods and happens upon a house owned by three large, manly bears. She walks inside and samples their food, sits on their furniture, and tries on some of their more intimate garments. When the housemates return home, she tries to run, but she’s soon captured and, as it turns out, Goldilocks is not what she seems to be. . . .

  Reviews:

  “A queer tale and, I might add, a bad one.”

  —St. Louis Post-Dispatch

  “Bad news bears! Thumbs down, way down.”

  —Harold Bloom, Yale University

  “Surprisingly intimate.”

  —Stefan, Grindr Beta User

  Where’s Dildo?

  Sandra has had a long, hard day at work. Now that she’s home, she just wants to get off with some solo mojo. But her room is an absolute pigsty and she can’t find her vibrator anywhere! Can you help Sandra to climax by finding Dildo?

  If you enjoyed Where’s Dildo? you might also like:

  SexToy Word Search

  69 pages of hide-and-sexy with words and sexpressions about your favorite instruments of pleasure!

  Connect the Dildots!

  Follow the numbers with your pencil and watch the phalluses grow right along with yours!

  The Lyin’ Bitch and the Wardrobe

  Told through the lens of a mall security camera, this book captures the tale of little Lucy Pevensie, a compulsive luxury-store shoplifter. Lucy, so cute and seemingly innocent,
can talk her way out of anything—but can she outwit Aslan, the new mall-security dog?

  Word on the Street:

  “I didn’t like the book very much so I stole it.”

  —Winona Ryder, unemployed actress

  “You’ll find the book security tag between pages 120 and 121.”

  —Convicted shoplifter, name withheld

  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties

  When four high dollar, globetrotting escorts meet at a Las Vegas bankers’ convention, they realize just how much they all have in common—hair (blond), dresses (skimpy), STDs (all of ’em). Then and there, in the City of Sin, they form the Sisterhood.

  Reviews:

  “When it comes to love, it don’t matter if you bought it, it just matters if you got it.”

  —Charlie Sheen, psychiatric test subject

  “A strong candidate this year for the highly coveted Hooker Prize in Literature.”

  —ClitLit Monthly

  If you enjoyed Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties, you might also like:

  Love by the Dollar: Book 7 of the Brothel Bitches Series

  $ex: How to Make Money without Ever Getting Out of Bed!

  The Oldest Profession: A Granny’s Guide to Getting Paid for Getting Laid

  The Magic School Slut

  A new bewitching girl is raising all the boys’ magic wands at the uptight Wizard Academy. Her magic power? Making virginities disappear.

  Book Club Discussion Questions:

  •What spell did the girl use to drop all the boys’ pants during the pep rally?

  •Do you have your own “magic” move that you like to use in the bedroom?

  •Does this book jacket make me look slutty?

  Three Billy Goats’ Snuff

  Billy Bob, Billy Joe, and Billy Ray are just three kids who like to dip chaw all day. But the evil troll guarding the checkout counter tells them the legal dipping age is eighteen. Now the Billies will have to use all their country wiles to outwit the checkout troll and get their dip on.

  “FREE COPY with purchase of five or more tins of Cameltoe® Premium Fine Cut Tobacco.”

  —Joe’s MegaSmoke Shop

  Green Eggs and Hammered

  An odd-looking man with a funny hat is afraid to try new foods . . . until his friend Samuel gets him very, very, very drunk.

  Excerpt:

  Will you eat them with a beer?

  Chase them with some Everclear?

  Will you take them with some wine?

  When you’re drunk they taste divine!

  Maybe douse them with hard liquor?

  They will go down so much quicker!

  Would you? Could you? In a bar?

  Chug it! Chug it! Here they are!

  Word on the Street:

  “Getting wasted really did help me to try new foods. But it didn’t help me to keep them down.”

  —Theo, 24, picky eater

  “Getting your children drunk is a great way to get them to eat their spinach.”

  —Brandy R., teenage mother

  Puss in Booze

  Puss the tomcat’s swashbuckling adventures are long behind him: His fur is mangy, his belly sags, and his arthritis keeps him from getting into his world-famous boots. Now he’s spending what’s left of his nine lives sitting at the bar getting drunk as fuck. But if you can catch him when he’s slightly sober, he can still recapture a little of that old magic and tell you one hell of a story—for the price of a double bourbon.

  WARNING:

  DO NOT ACTUALLY GIVE YOUR CATS ALCOHOL.

  BECAUSE THEY WILL LOVE IT.

  Review:

  “FAS (Feline Alcohol Syndrome) is a serious problem in the feral cat community. I was so outraged that this book was making light of it that I coughed up two hairballs.”

  —Susan D., president of CLAWS (Cats Lovers Against Wasted Strays)

  The Wizard of Bras

  Busty young Dorothy is feeling low because she just can’t find the right brassiere. So she heads down the Yellow Bra Road to the mall to see the “wizard.” This flamboyant store owner may hide behind a curtain, but he can guess any woman’s cup size and always finds a girl the support she needs.

  Reviews:

  “An uplifting tale, sure to push up any girl’s self-esteem.”

  —CosmoGirl

  “Those ruby red slippers just didn’t go with any of her undergarments.”

  —Tim Gunn, Project Runway

  Mary Pill Poppins

  Mary, a mysterious governess with a haughty attitude and a bottomless bag of prescription drugs, blows in with the west wind, and answers a family’s call for a new nanny. Her unconventional child-care techniques—along with a spoonful of Valium—win them all over and have a profound calming effect on the rambunctious kids.

  Excerpt:

  “A spoonful of medicine helps the children go down,” whispered Mary Pill Poppins as the two little ones swallowed the syrup and drifted off to dreamland.

  Review:

  “Although at first controversial, the pharmaceutical-based approach to child care has proven very effective.”

  —Babysitter’s Quarterly

  Little Bo Creep

  Little Bo loses her job as shepherdess after misplacing an entire flock of sheep. Her newfound free time only feeds her addiction for stalking, but nothing seems awry until severed sheep’s heads start appearing around the village, and the nightmare has only just begun.

  Book Club Discussion Questions:

  •Was the farmer’s death at the hands, er, hooves of a flock of sheep all that it seemed? Or was Bo Creep involved?

  •Have there been times when you’ve been driven to random, vicious murder? How did it feel?

  Reviews:

  “Like Michael Myers’s mask in Halloween and the shower in Psycho, Little Bo Creep’s small, gore-soaked shepherd’s crook is destined to become a symbol of horror.”

  —St. Louis Post-Dispatch

  “. . . a total rip-off of every book I’ve ever written.”

  —Stephen King

  The Little Engine That Came

  None of the big and powerful electric train engines will help a poor farmer move his heavy load, so it’s up to one little steam locomotive to help out. But with his tiny whistle and a slight case of ED (engine dysfunction), no one believes in him but himself.

  Testimonial:

  “The inspirational tale of how positive thinking can overcome even the hardest (or least hard) problems. . . .”

  —Lee Bido, MD

  If you enjoyed The Little Engine That Came, you might also like:

  OverCome

  The story of a famously flaccid mountaineer who, facing seemingly insurmountable hurdles, rose up and mounted them. First Everest, and then his new bride.

  The Flimsiest Excuse

  How one husband lied to his wife about his impotence while carrying on multiple affairs behind her back.

  Beauty and the Cease and Desist

  A beauty pageant winner discovers that she has a secret admirer . . . and takes legal action.

  Book Club Discussion Questions:

  •Why wasn’t Beauty DTF? Was the Beast totally groady?

  •Has the law ever gotten between you and love? Based on your own experience, what advice would you give to the Beast?

  •Did you find the story about the Beast’s curse plausible? What curses have you been under?

  Reviews:

  “Attacks modern privacy issues head-on.”

  —ACLU Book Review

  “After the book’s release, our privacy blinds and window-tinting sales skyrocketed.”

  —Al’s Window Wonderland

  Alice in Wonderbra

  Precocious young Alice falls into an enchanted underworld full of talking animals, wacky teatimes, and magic potions that supersize her bust. She’d be happy just to get home in one piece, though a new bra wouldn’t hurt. . . .

  Other titles from the same author:

 
Through the Looking Ass

  Journey into the magical world of proctology, the hottest, dirtiest field in medicine!

  Up the Rabbit’s Hole

  Get to know one of nature’s friskiest animals, and follow the adventures of the White Rabbit as he tries to get some (cotton)tail!

  The Jabberstreetwalky

  The famously hilarious poem about the whimsical lives of urban good-time girls!

  The Pied Piper

  An unemployed, disgruntled rat-catcher takes revenge on a rat-free town by handing out tobacco and pipes to children and teaching the kiddos how to light up, taking them down the long road of addiction, never to return.

  Testimonials:

  “An addictive tale that will have you going back to it again and again.”

  —Philip Morris Inc., spokesperson

  About the Author:

  Mr. Nicholas O. Tyne has written more than a dozen children’s books about tobacco in the past twenty years. He is the target of several ongoing lawsuits involving his controversial Smoke for Schools Foundation, which advocates cigarette breaks in elementary schools to combat childhood obesity.

  The Jungle Bookie

  Little man-cub Mowgli is having a hard time adjusting to life in the jungle, until he makes some new friends and teaches them about the joys of gambling. The orphan becomes the bookie for the jungle and quickly works his way up to a jungle casino.

  Testimonials:

  “A great way to introduce your children to basic concepts like winning, losing, and winning big!”

  —Gambling for Dummies and Small Children

  “Chock-full of numbers games to teach the kids!”

  —PokeHer67, online poker player, substitute teacher

  If you enjoyed The Jungle Bookie, you might also like:

  The Adventures of Double and His Dog Nothing

  Follow mischievous young Don Double and his faithful puppy-sidekick, Nothing, as they get themselves into trouble and have to risk everything to save their young hides!